when darkness turns to light

Monday, January 15, 2007

WARNING: This is gonna be an emo post so you can choose not to read it if you dont wanna get your mood affected.

I really dont know what has got into me recently. I am losing track of my new year resolution of reforming myself. I just cant get myself down to studying for my retests and my character is getting from worse to gone case. I have been thinking and reminding myself to have control over my mind and actions but I just cant get it done. Have been doing weird weird things that when I think back, I myself think that I am foolish and childish. Maybe thats why people are starting to leave me for good. How much can friends be trusted? When you are still not very exposed to a person and things are generally ok, its good. But there is something that will fail friendships and that is TIME. Time reveals everything. Closeness gets further and further apart after time, promises broken after a period of time, thinkings differ after some time, I know of people who have close friends for a very long time. But all my friendships will fail after time. Maybe its just me. The things I do that irritate people, the way I bahave and react that piss people off. Things were so so different now compared to when it first started off. Now going back there is a misery to people. This showed my presence is no longer significant. People can be a motivator for one to carry on but can also be the item that causes one to fall. I had a great fall and am in a deep deep position so difficult to resurface.

Maybe its all about me. Maybe I should do more self-reflection and think through thoroughly why these things happen on me and not others. I lost my direction and my will to go on. Compasses needed to guide me back on track. Who will be my compass? Sometimes I just wonder, if I die, will anyone mourn for me? Or they will just be indifferent to my death?

At this very moment, I dont wish to go on anymore. I need some time to cool down, to reorganise my life. To those who went through the whole blog entry with me, thank you very much. I dont know who did and who did not. But I just wanna thank you.

i finished typing this entry at 7:30 PM